This past  Saturday I went shopping with the girls.  It was such an amazing experience for me – on a few levels!  Realized how much they are starting to take ownership for parts of their lives – and (it’s not all roses!) found some stuff to work on.

Friday night they made their lists – hysterical by the way.

Checking her list

Off we went Saturday morning.  I told them I’d take them anywhere but they choose our small local toy shop.  Wanted time to wrap when we were done – huh.  Good thinking. I would have blown all of my time driving to Burlington.   I had no agenda that morning and was just able to wander around the store, chat with the owner and look at what they were picking out.  The lists were consulted, shopping baskets located, and items selected.  The owner Sally gives the girls a 5% discount when they come in paying for things (gifts) with their own money.  Love that positive reinforcement.  Emily spent $32 on her list and Annie spent $26.  They didn’t get everything on their list but did spend all of their money.  Home to wrap it up and they were fired up!

This picture sort of sums it all up for me – The awesomeness.  First of all  – there was a list.  Somewhere along the way she figured out it was a good idea to be organized and plan it all out.  Second – It’s all her decision.  No comment or suggestions by me.  This used to be hard – but now it’s easy.  Ever since I doubted the success of the Vermont shaped ornament and cookie cutter set only to be told by the mom that it was her daughter’s favorite gift.  Third – this isn’t just money they found.  They had to attend family meeting to get it, put it away, then hang onto it for a number of weeks.   There is still some training to be done – what to do about the people who you didn’t have enough money to buy for?  You can see my husband and I were ALREADY getting pictures : ) I’m not sure who else will get bumped but I can already see the wheels turning when they talked about bringing their presents into school.  “But I don’t have anything for my teacher yet!”  We’ll have to stay tuned for how that turns out….I don’t think Mr. Wolf is getting a wolf either.

There were some challenges too.  We went to the post office after this and Emily realized she still had on a mood ring from the store.   “No problem honey – it’s a mistake and we’ll just go tell Sally.”  If she could have said “HELL NO Mom!”  – she would have.  She flipped at the prospect of HER going back into the store.  I tired to point out that it was a mistake and an honest one and that Sally would understand.  She wasn’t having any of it and I realized I needed to shut up – and fast.  I drove back to the store trying really hard to keep my mouth shut.  It was clear she had a very mistaken belief about what happens to good girls who make mistakes.   I sat in the parking lot while she freaked and her sister tried to tell her that it had happened to her before and it was really no big deal.  I frantically racked my brain and texted my Vicki Jr. friend to figure out how to handle this.   Eventually decided that the ring needed to go back but I had to respect Emily’s choice.  Not bringing this ring back did not necessarily mean she would turn to a life of crime.  At least not tomorrow.

“I am bringing  this ring back into Sally.  You can come with me  – and you don’t have to talk but you do need to hear what she says.  If you are not willing to do that, I’m not willing to go shopping with you anymore.”  I’m not sure that was the right approach but it’s done and I’m sticking to it for now.  I really struggled with understanding her need to not walk in there and the desire to have her see that Sally would be APPRECIATIVE  – not mad at her.    Emily chose to stay in the car  and Annie and I went in.  Sally’s words – “It happens!”  We told Emily what Sally said and then changed the subject to something else.

Later we were having a nice cuddle and I asked her about the incident.  “Mom, I just couldn’t go in  – I just couldn’t!”  I get it.  I threw in a couple of things about good people vs bad choices and let it be.  I will have to create some situations that help guide her out of this mistaken belief.  Give her space and time to find the courage to walk in that store.   She’ll get there – Look how far they’ve come!

Happy Holidays to you all -  S

So I’ve been heavy into Parenting on Track lately – conference call with some friends starting the program Monday nights and Wednesday nights attending the Parenting on Track – Part 2.   This is for people who have been using the program for a few years now.  Designed to dive in a little deeper and tweak our behavior as we’ve all fallen into our old habits again.  It’s been amazing.   Love it!  Run don’t walk to sign up when she offers it again.

In the first class – we went around the room and talked about what is still tripping us up.  I confessed that I still nag and remind and direct.  BIG TIME.   After a few minutes of peeling back the layers – it became clear that I’m still outcome focused.  I still want to get out of the house on time, want the house clean, want my little solders marching in a line out the door in the morning.  Happily damn it!    I want control.   It seems so obvious – but you’d be surprised how long this took me to arrive at this conclusion!

But if you make me choose – screw the control, I’d choose the relationship.   Remaining outcome focused will never ever give me the relationship.  It will give me distant angry, sassy (yup), unconnected kids.  That’s not what I want.  Clean house – yeah that would be great – but I now know, if I don’t give up all of that, I’ll never get the relationship.  And I’ve been working on the control thing for a long time and it’s not so easy to shake. Even now when my brain is finally on board, my mouth still needs a leash.  So on we go.

Yesterday in a snuggle on the couch, Annie did a roadmap for her afternoon.  It so inspired her (read: made her feel so capable!)  that before bed, she did one for the morning.  I saw her consult every item and check them all off when complete.  We had a great night and morning and today she left it up on the counter ” Mom- so much better than a wipe board” (which I realize I have been pushing) .     Yes we left the house happily, on-time.  But we got there through me putting on-time as priority 2….or 10.  And putting the relationship as #1.   Not easy but worth it.

 

We did it.  We survived!  More than that  – we rocked.  I really, really had to do this again. I was desperate to get a new morning and afternoon routine.  Didn’t even have to be new – any routine!  I knew I was hovering and reminding and all that bad stuff.  So DNSN before the routines….

It was ugly, messy and late.  I was definitely stressed, but other times when I was blissfully enjoying my new role of  “fun lady in the corner”!   It always hard – but it’s also kind of wonderful because instead of cleaning the kitchen while passively-aggressively shouting “it’s 7:10 time to get upstairs”, I was laying on my daughter’s bed with her and hearing all these great details about her day.    The mess – omg the mess.  It was epic.  Food left out for days , dishes balancing in stacks, clothes on every floor surface.  It really did look like a frat house on a Monday morning (minus the stale beer smell but replaced with stale milk.)  The good news is that these amazing kids  did surprise me in more than a few ways.

There was great cooperation on their parts when I was unavailable to help.  They spoke to me in the nicest voices (thinking it would get more help) with tons of “would you be willing’s”!  They choose to clear their plates (days later but still!).  Annie did her wipe board  – and included every compartment of her lunchbox – not just a word that says “lunch”.  There was resiliency  – the whining just fizzled into silence when it got no reaction from me.    Things they didn’t think they could do – turned into things they could do (lunch making, finding missing clothes, locating backpack).  Really cool – and very eye opening to me to see how my “help” is truly, honestly, downright “interference”.  People were really happy and calm.  Interesting….  A few photo’s of the cooperation and the ensuing mess.

When we were all done – we had a meeting to talk about what happened and what surprised them, etc.  It was too long (again….too much talking by me!) but I got some big whoppers on video … Mostly from my 6 year old!  I know only three of you read this blog so I had the courage to upload the hard evidence of my inability to keep my mouth shut!  Video One & Video Two.

Now onwards.  I heard an amazing tele-class through the forum a month or so ago and it hit me hard.  (Sometimes you just have to be in the right state of mind to have a message FINALLY sink in.)  I get it now – it’s not about being on time.  It’s not about a clean house.  It’s not about them doing their contribution.  It’s about your relationship with them.  The rest will (magically?) fall into place when they feel capable, engaged in their lives, adored by those they live with.

Something like that!

My two sisters and some friends bought the Parenting On Track DVD / CD set this summer and I promised we’d go through the program together.  We’re starting now.  Do Nothing  Say Nothing.  This week terrifies me.   My older sister asked ” I already know it’s going to be a disaster – so can’t I just go with that information??”   I totally get it – I feel the same way – I’m literally bracing myself.  But  I have learned that it’s so much more than that.  It’s figuring out what happens when you shut your trap.  Yes they’ll fall apart – but then what?

We had another “not so great” morning this morning.  The kids noodled, they didn’t do anything, I directed & reminded (in the most clever ways I could think of in an effort to justify me speaking!) and we they were super late.  Annie is an Eagle (learned this from one of Vicki’s mom retreats.  Fabulous.  Jump on it if she offers them again!)  Annie (like her mother) will do just about anything not to be embarrassed.   Being late is one of those things that will embarrass you so I avoid it all costs.   So I get it when Annie won’t walk to her classroom.  But I can’t fix it for her.   It was awful watching her be restrained by her teacher and turning my back to walk away.   Motivation I kept telling myself.  Motivation.

I thought that after school today would be the perfect day to spend some time creating a morning routine.  But it’s not. It’s a great reason to start Do Nothing Say Nothing.  I need information.  More information.   Here we go.  Fastening my seat belt and getting my duct tape.

It’s Hard.

It’s hard to watch your child scream and cry because they are not ready for bed.

It’s hard to watch a rock get tossed in the air when it’s time to make their lunch.

It’s hard to watch when it’s 7:49, everyone is in the kitchen and school starts in one minute.

It’s hard to watch your child spend the afternoon in their room because maybe their plan to do homework RIGHT after snack is easier said than done.

however……

It’s awesome to watch them work together to get out the door to school.  Checking to see if a sister forgot something and grabbing it for them when they did.

It’s awesome to watch your kids figure out a different solution for packing their lunch when they really don’t want to clean their lunchbox.

It’s awesome to see them catch themselves in a statement that I would have corrected.  – “Molly forgot my sweater…. I mean I forgot my sweater.”

It’s awesome to hear their appreciations for each other.  “thank you for sharing that toy with me”  & “thank you for helping me wake up”.

It’s hard but it’s worth it.  Just sayin’.

The kids are always listening to us.  Even when we don’t think they are.  I’ve heard them say things to each other that they have heard from me – and I don’t always like how they sound.  So it’s awesome when it IS something you want to hear…….

We had some friends over the other day and all the kids were in the basement. Emily and Annie started fighting.  Annie ran to her room upset.  Emily apologized but Annie wasn’t quite ready to accept it, still mad.  Emily went off to keep playing and I kept Annie company for a few more minutes.  When Annie went back down to join the group she passed Emily on the stairs and said “I love you no matter what you do”.

Wow.  Holy Cow.  I guess she has been listening because I have said that to both of the kids on more than one occasion.  (A classic Vicki quote that I can’t take any credit for.)  But it was awesome to hear.  It shows me how much progress we have made with this program.  How much they are moving beyond the mean words and the “you’re stupid” taunts.   More and more often their fights are turning into giggles.  I hear random appreciations and “would you be willing”.

One of my favorite things about this exchange is that we heard about it from Emily.  She knew something special had happened here.  Our home is a place where our girls know they are loved “no matter what”.  By EVERYONE here.   Love that.

 

I just walked down to the kitchen after putting the girls to bed to see two things – a pile of sticker and a pizza crust.  It speaks volumes to where I am these days!

To back up – I cleaned out my “junk” drawer today and found tons of stuff the girls would like. I let them divide it up and said that they just needed to get it out of the kitchen, up to their rooms, and find a good spot for it.  Well it sat there…..and sat there… until the next meal.  Then Annie literally swept her pile onto the floor.  I didn’t do any of the following  (as tempted as I might have been)

a)    screamed and yelled “pick that up right now YOUNG LADY”!

b)   picked it up for her.

I did see it later when she needed something and thought about the “as soon as” but went for the connection moment instead.  And – to be fully honest – due to overuse  Annie – will steer clear of anything that comes with an “as soon as” these days.

At dinner the girls were beginning to bicker about something.   They each started needling eachother and instead of distracting – I said something about our restaurant rules and the grandparents upcoming visit.  WHIZZZZ a pizza crust went flying by my head – Emily!  It actually (bless her heart) got us all laughing. I guess I can give myself some credit for not doing the above listed “a)” and just acting shocked.    We laughed but I did let her know it needed to be picked up.  Even did a little dance near the pizza when she was walking by.

But now I’m done putting them to bed and the pizza and pile o’ stickers is still on the floor.    So I think this shows I’m halfway there.  I’m not directing but I’m not standing firm on the things I ask for.  I’m a recovering dictator who’s listing into the permissive side.   If I ask for something – mean it and follow through.  Sounds easy.  But I am pretty sure I’ve even posted about it recently and still haven’t mastered it.

I chatted with Vicki recently regarding a forum post and she said something that really resonated with me.  “Think of how this kid is interpreting this situation?  Don’t think about their behavior – think of how they see it.”  I think this is so helpful for me – do I usually pick this stuff up despite asking them 10 times.  Probably – so they are just interpreting this as part of my cleanup routine!

For now – I’ve picked the stuff up .  Tomorrow’s a new day for me and those awesome kids.

I was thinking the other day that I really hadn’t “done” much “Parenting-on-Track” lately.  Nothing radically new, no new shake – ups.  Not much blogging.  No forum posts.  No new road maps or training initiatives.

Wait, wait, wait.  To back up.   It’s been two years since we started the program.  Two years since we had our first “do nothing, say nothing” week (or day, whatever).  Two years since we first looked at our kids differently – as independent creatures who didn’t need us nearly as much as we’d like to think.  Two years since we turned the mirror on ourselves and examined why we were doing some of the things we were doing.

So now – I am wrong to think we haven’t done much lately.  We don’t even realize how much this program and way of thinking has permeated our lives.  I no longer see a kid having a tantrum or acting out.  I see a kid who is discouraged and is using skills that they had come to believe worked!   I am often reminded by my kids to stop nagging (yes still!).  I try to stop myself when I find myself doing too much for the kids.  I try to find the time to train, connect, and enjoy my kids.

We are not perfect.  I still struggle every day for answers to this or that.  I struggle to change my behavior before I can even THINK about what the girls are doing.

But I sat on the floor of my girls’ bedroom when they got ready for bed the other day and just enjoyed the scene.  Not a perfect scene.   Not a clean room.  Not exactly “on time”.  But there was nowhere else I’d rather be and nothing else I’d rather be doing.

Thank you Parenting on Track!

This summer my seven year old daughter went to sleepaway camp and it was a great exercise for dictating mom’s like me.

I had been opposed to the idea from the beginning.  I’m all for independence – just not too much too soon. (I know I know – but I’m admitting it now!)   My husband challenged me “You’re all about independence throughout the year, but when it comes to camp you are changing your tune!”  True – but isn’t camp different?  She’s 7!  What’s wrong with sleeping away at 8? 9? Even 10!    So while I saw his point – I couldn’t find the courage to say yes.

Emily changed this.  She talked to a friend who was also going and just started planning. We had left it open to her “you can go if you want”.  She just flipped the switch, made her mind up, and decided to go.  Asked a million questions and started mentally packing.  I wasn’t so wrapped up in my OWN feelings to see that stopping her now would be detrimental.  So I  got on the bandwagon and let her see nothing but my support.  Inside I was still unsure….

Off we went to camp.   We arrived.  I unpacked with her – but truthfully she was too busy swinging from the rafters so it was a lot of  “Emily, how about we put your boots here?  Do you think this is a good place for your toiletries?”  Ugh.  Fortunately, they promptly kicked us out of the cabin and her adventure began.

I’m an authoritarian control freak. We were also staying at the camp while Emily was there and I saw her usually once or twice a day. I wanted to say “ Did you see where I put your towels?  Have you been brushing your teeth? Are you using your eczema cream?  I saw Aunt Sally wrote you – did you write her back?”  But I didn’t.  It was the ultimate duct tape.  I only got a tiny minute to hug or wave to her and I didn’t want to waste it on that stuff.

I realized how powerful this experience was for me.  Now to find the courage back at home to do the same thing.  Enjoy her and don’t waste any of the next 10 years on that nagging crap.  Starting now.

So we’re all progressing  – moving forward here – even me.

One morning when Annie was already at pre-school, I set up a playdate for her later in the day with one of her friends.  Annie and her friend Sally had butted heads in the past but were now getting along very nicely.  Her mom is a good friend of mine and I jump at the chance to see her – even if it’s just for drop off.   I will add that I have been in the habit of asking Annie if she wants a playdate or not  – however in this case she was unavailable for consultation…….

Within a few minutes of the playdate there was some “confusion” about a swing and things started getting … less than cooperative from there.  About 15 minutes in – Annie refused to share the dog biscuits which we had pulled out to get Sally’s dog back in the car.   I was sensing my mistake and said to the mom “I’m so sorry but I have to cancel this playdate.”  Thank god she hadn’t left yet.  I told her I need to teach Annie that this was not ok and playdates will not continue with this behavior.  My friend was terrific.  Got her kids and dog and left.

I really wasn’t mad.  In the past I would have been fired up!  But I told Annie I wasn’t mad.  I explained why Sally had to leave.  And then I apologized for not checking with her on the playdate first.  I wish I had a picture!  She was standing with a very good scowl and her arms crossed.  She does an excellent scowl!  She just eased out of it – literally her anger melted away.  She came to join me at the table and we had a really nice afternoon.    I called my sister to talk about it later – it was hard having to tell my friend to go – but the alternative of refereeing all afternoon was worse!  My smart sister said “She didn’t do anything differently – it was you – you changed.”  OMG brilliant.  She was totally right.  We could have had a disaster day.  Bad moods all around.  But we didn’t and I’m so grateful!

Thank you Parenting on Track!